Password Protected

I love that the latest iPad Air has fingerprint recognition.  I kind of wish my phone had that as well.  What it does have is facial recognition, so I tried it out.

I ended up just sticking with PIN verification.  I got tired of looking at myself all the time.

I'm a Compulsive Liar

You know how most people say that you lie a lot (typically small ones, or oftentimes just exaggerating) when you're sober, but the truth comes out when you drink?  I'm the total opposite!  I recently found out that I am a compulsive liar when I get drunk.  You can't believe ANYTHING I say.  There might be a few truths that leak out, but mostly, I'm lying.

If I cry when I'm drunk, it's not because I'm emotionally upset.  It's because I am getting a bad feeling in my gut (nausea) and am mistaking it for being upset.  Seriously.  When I drink, I have made-up problems.

Once, I told a group of guys how self-conscious I am about my body.  Now, I may not have c-cup boobs, full lips, long legs, or rock-hard abs, but I'm pretty confident in my own skin.  I actually had these guys believing I watch what I eat (I'm a cookies addict with a thing for pies and milkshakes... no seriously, I'm eating key lime pie as I type this).

Recently, I was complaining about my roommates.  I may have some hiccups with them every now and then, but right now, my relationships with all of them are pretty awesome.  Ok, I ignore the mother and her children, but other than that.

I don't speak about my own beliefs and rarely speak about my sexuality, so it is absolutely laughable that I was saying I feel judged because of other peoples' religions and because of my own sexuality.  Completely not true at all.  You can't judge the parts of my life you are completely oblivious about.  Yes, I am relatively open here.  But most people that will judge me for those things certainly aren't reading this.

I had a guy at a bar believe I was from Mexico.  Turns out, I can cough up a few believable spanish phrases when I'm drunk.  But I even said I was from some totally made up state, which of course the guy had visited before.

I've always tried to figure out what kind of drunk I am.  Imagine my disappointment that I am simply just a compulsive liar.  Sighs.  Oh well.

It's all about the Communication

If my cat sees a plate beside me, he won't come near me.  He will actually slowly walk away once he's spotted it, and stare it like it's about to attack.  I always hated the idea of animals that are beggars.  So when I got Mr Jones, I would bark in his face every time he got near my food.  It's been very effective!  The only time he'll come near a plate is if I'm not in the room.  Even if he doesn't see anything on the plate, he knows that if he gets near it, I will growl at him.

I suppose it's all about communication.  You must learn the language to get your point across.  I have recently had to learn my boyfriend's language.  I am FAR from perfecting it, but I've been dipping my toes in it.

I've told him that if we ever have a three-some, it'll be with a gay person.  Gay or lesbian.  Yesterday, he finally asked me why?  Why would I be ok with him having sex with a guy or me a girl, but not the other way around?  I turned to him and very bluntly stated, "I'm your pussy.  I'm all ya get!"  He appreciated my effort in speaking in his terms.

Here's an example of why communication is important.  After asking to come over to his place after class to "show him a school project," he changed plans on me.  He said he's going to go rock climbing with a group of his girl friends and invited me.  I flipped a switch.  He offered to come over later, but explained that it'd only be for a couple minutes.  A few days later I explained it all to him.  

He invited me to do something he knew, KNEW that I wouldn't do.  In doing so, he completely changed my plans.  I even threw in that I was wearing a red mini dress and thi-high socks.  Still went over his head.  (Yes dear, you could've gotten laid.)  He slapped himself and told me if I had just said I wanted sex, no problems.  He doesn't get subtle hints.  Describing what I wore turned him on, but he only suspected it was just me teasing him.

So, lesson learned.  Guys, if a girl mentions something out of the ordinary (I never asked to come over JUST so he can check out my school project... NEVER.. I also said for me to go to his place, which lately, he's been coming here.  But I mentioned to him the evening before that that will change because of my roommate's mother and her three kids that now live in the room beside me), then she's probably hinting at something else.  Ladies, guys understand better if you are completely blunt.

Go Hard In The Paint: Part 1: It's a Man Thing

LIC 2013 link:

Hello world, it's me again!  Two years later, I finally attend another Life In Color.  Once again, just two of us ended up going.  Starring Shaniqua and me.  

Sometimes Google Maps just doesn't like me.  Particularly on LG G2 phones.  It lags quite a bit.  We ended up taking a right turn, and I thought we had plenty of time and space, but the turned ended up being a LOT sharper than I expected.  Nonetheless, it made me feel like this badass race car driver, or like a Duke of Hazard's stunt driver or something.  I felt the wheel start locking up, I gave Jasmine (my truck) a little bit of way to do her own thing.  We hit a pot hole, and started swerving the other way.  Again I gave Jasmine a little be a lee way.  But we were heading to a ditch, so I coaxed her a little to the left, and she skidded , a bumping kind of skid, dust flying everywhere since it was a dirt-and-gravel kind of road. We ended up on the wrong side, but I finally got Jasmine to straighten up.

Needless to say, Shaniqua was freaking out, but I felt like a rockstar in that moment!  And then.. there was the popo.

We got pulled over, and I flashed back to eleventh grade.  I'm sitting in my truck after hours in the park when a cop pulls up.  He sees the two of us ladies sitting there together and starts flirting with us.  Typically cops makes you leave the park, they kick you out.  This time, however, he commented on us being a couple and then just left us alone. 

Flash forward to the story.

I rolled down my window and the cop started asking questions.  Shaniqua was quiet, looking wide-eyed at me, and about to burst.  So I simply explained to him.  I was groping her and lost control of the truck for a moment.  I mean, look as those boobs!  You would've lost control, too!   He nodded, gave a little lecture, gave me a little high-five when Shaniqua wasn't looking, and let us off with a warning.

Two turns later, we arrived at the party, parked, and before we got out of the truck, Shaniqua looked over and saw something that made her stop...

To Be Continued...

New Year's Kiss

Sorry, you guys, for no recent posts.  Being a senior in college, as a design student, I'm kept pretty busy and constantly stressing my brain out.  Seriously.  Now, every time I start to think, my brain goes, 'Oh no, not this shit again!' and gives out an instant headache.

Anyways!  So last year was pretty freaking crazy when it came to guys.  I had so many guys whom I've never met before just pop up and lay one on me.  Who does that?  I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or scared.  Do I have a neon sign that says, "Kiss me! Even though I'm only like one ninetieth Irish."  The irony of all this is I probably would have loved all the attention... if I were an affectionate person.  I'm not.

I have a puppy with a long body and short legs.  His name is Spock.  I love Spock because he can't jump on my bed and annoy me with kisses.  This is how far my love for affection goes.  My boyfriend has yet to take me out on a date that I haven't planned.  He has given me flowers exactly one time and chocolates never.  He rarely holds my hand and always runs off with his friends when I try to hang out with them.  He is STILL more affectionate than me.

The fact that random guys kept choosing to kiss possibly the only girl around who gets bored after five seconds of making out is just hilarious to me.

End of 2014, I made it to Scotland, was celebrating Hogmanay, my man was back at the states so no New Year's kiss for me!  One of my resolutions was that I was going to be more vigilant and make sure no crazies came up to me and kiss me this year!

Edinburgh was packed with people.  My girls (on the trip whom I had just met) and I had to chain our way to the bars through the crowds after the countdown into 2015.  I was the tail of that little train.  We broke off when the crowd got a little more dense, but ran into more people a moment later.  It was there where I lost them... and found the next crazy.

I was wrapped up in a big, fuzzy scarf, a voluminous coat, and fuzzy earmuffs.  I was easily the least accessible and the least sexually appealing woman around.  I intentionally didn't get all dolled up that night.

But there he was, drunk guy #572, arms wide out, eyes set on me.  Before I knew what was happening, he had his hands on my jaw bone and his lips on my cheek.  He backed a few inches away with a dumbass grin on his face and started heading for my lips.


(Hmm.. doesn't give a good affect, does it?  I thought it would be a nice touch, being Scotland's national animal and all... oh well.)

I ran away and found the girls, and their only reaction was:  So..?  Was he cute?

Well, I guess this is one more resolution that won't get fulfilled.

Here, puppy, puppy!

I'm going to get a dog and name it Jess.

That way, when people holler my name, it'll get really intense, instantly.  Why?  Because they'll have four eyeballs staring at them!

Over Literal vs Phrases

“I can’t hang out with him anymore!” she said.

“Why not?” I asked. I thought things were going great with them. Maybe they were going to be starting a new relationship or something. I mean, that’s what people do, right? They are either getting in, maintaining, getting over, or avoiding relationships. 

“Because he makes my insides do funny things!”

“You mean you have butterflies in your stomach?”

“Ew!” she yelled, appalled. “Gross! I do NOT eat butterflies!”

“No, no… I mean, he… ya know… gets your panties wet.”

She looked at me quizzically. “What would he be doing wearing my underwear?”

“I’ll try again… he makes your head spin!”

“That is just morbid!!”

I gave up.