Years ago, I was scared shitless.  I was a preteen, taking the trash out to the side of the house.  It was a cool, spring night, the moon put a light blue glow on everything, and there was a subtle wind blowing.  I picked up the lid of the trash bin, began to toss in the trash, and shrieked.  I'm pretty sure I actually tossed the bag in, but it's been a few years and I was pretty terrified in that moment.  I ran inside and I've been very resistant to go out and throw anything in the trash in a subtle glow of the moon since.

What was it that scared me so bad?  A raccoon.  I still remember it's beady, mischievous eyes, the fluffy, filthy tummy, and the tail with rings of pure evil pointing up at me.

When I got Kit-Cat, I didn't really pay much attention to his tail.  (To confirm, for those of you who may know my cat, his name is Mr. Jones, but he goes by Kit-Cat now.)  Now that he's adult-sized, fluffy, and has lost weight (which means his energy is back, so he's way more active), I see the resemblance.

One day, I was walking across the room in the dark, with a light glow coming through the windows.  Nighttime just happens to be when kitty cats are most active.  I saw something fluffy, with rings of evil following behind it, dash mischievously in front of me.  I quickly grabbed a broom and chased after the nasty beast!

Of course, Kit-Cat did not appreciate the little swift I gave his hinny.  He attacked me for the next week after that!

Anyways, lesson learned.  Keep Kit-Cat's tail dyed and a bell on his collar at all times!

One In A Million

My ex came up to me and said, "I'm one  in a million.  You'll never find another person like me."

Well thank god for that.

Password Protected

I love that the latest iPad Air has fingerprint recognition.  I kind of wish my phone had that as well.  What it does have is facial recognition, so I tried it out.

I ended up just sticking with PIN verification.  I got tired of looking at myself all the time.

Go Hard In The Paint: Part 1: It's a Man Thing

LIC 2013 link:

Hello world, it's me again!  Two years later, I finally attend another Life In Color.  Once again, just two of us ended up going.  Starring Shaniqua and me.  

Sometimes Google Maps just doesn't like me.  Particularly on LG G2 phones.  It lags quite a bit.  We ended up taking a right turn, and I thought we had plenty of time and space, but the turned ended up being a LOT sharper than I expected.  Nonetheless, it made me feel like this badass race car driver, or like a Duke of Hazard's stunt driver or something.  I felt the wheel start locking up, I gave Jasmine (my truck) a little bit of way to do her own thing.  We hit a pot hole, and started swerving the other way.  Again I gave Jasmine a little be a lee way.  But we were heading to a ditch, so I coaxed her a little to the left, and she skidded , a bumping kind of skid, dust flying everywhere since it was a dirt-and-gravel kind of road. We ended up on the wrong side, but I finally got Jasmine to straighten up.

Needless to say, Shaniqua was freaking out, but I felt like a rockstar in that moment!  And then.. there was the popo.

We got pulled over, and I flashed back to eleventh grade.  I'm sitting in my truck after hours in the park when a cop pulls up.  He sees the two of us ladies sitting there together and starts flirting with us.  Typically cops makes you leave the park, they kick you out.  This time, however, he commented on us being a couple and then just left us alone. 

Flash forward to the story.

I rolled down my window and the cop started asking questions.  Shaniqua was quiet, looking wide-eyed at me, and about to burst.  So I simply explained to him.  I was groping her and lost control of the truck for a moment.  I mean, look as those boobs!  You would've lost control, too!   He nodded, gave a little lecture, gave me a little high-five when Shaniqua wasn't looking, and let us off with a warning.

Two turns later, we arrived at the party, parked, and before we got out of the truck, Shaniqua looked over and saw something that made her stop...

To Be Continued...

New Year's Kiss

Sorry, you guys, for no recent posts.  Being a senior in college, as a design student, I'm kept pretty busy and constantly stressing my brain out.  Seriously.  Now, every time I start to think, my brain goes, 'Oh no, not this shit again!' and gives out an instant headache.

Anyways!  So last year was pretty freaking crazy when it came to guys.  I had so many guys whom I've never met before just pop up and lay one on me.  Who does that?  I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or scared.  Do I have a neon sign that says, "Kiss me! Even though I'm only like one ninetieth Irish."  The irony of all this is I probably would have loved all the attention... if I were an affectionate person.  I'm not.

I have a puppy with a long body and short legs.  His name is Spock.  I love Spock because he can't jump on my bed and annoy me with kisses.  This is how far my love for affection goes.  My boyfriend has yet to take me out on a date that I haven't planned.  He has given me flowers exactly one time and chocolates never.  He rarely holds my hand and always runs off with his friends when I try to hang out with them.  He is STILL more affectionate than me.

The fact that random guys kept choosing to kiss possibly the only girl around who gets bored after five seconds of making out is just hilarious to me.

End of 2014, I made it to Scotland, was celebrating Hogmanay, my man was back at the states so no New Year's kiss for me!  One of my resolutions was that I was going to be more vigilant and make sure no crazies came up to me and kiss me this year!

Edinburgh was packed with people.  My girls (on the trip whom I had just met) and I had to chain our way to the bars through the crowds after the countdown into 2015.  I was the tail of that little train.  We broke off when the crowd got a little more dense, but ran into more people a moment later.  It was there where I lost them... and found the next crazy.

I was wrapped up in a big, fuzzy scarf, a voluminous coat, and fuzzy earmuffs.  I was easily the least accessible and the least sexually appealing woman around.  I intentionally didn't get all dolled up that night.

But there he was, drunk guy #572, arms wide out, eyes set on me.  Before I knew what was happening, he had his hands on my jaw bone and his lips on my cheek.  He backed a few inches away with a dumbass grin on his face and started heading for my lips.


(Hmm.. doesn't give a good affect, does it?  I thought it would be a nice touch, being Scotland's national animal and all... oh well.)

I ran away and found the girls, and their only reaction was:  So..?  Was he cute?

Well, I guess this is one more resolution that won't get fulfilled.

Here, puppy, puppy!

I'm going to get a dog and name it Jess.

That way, when people holler my name, it'll get really intense, instantly.  Why?  Because they'll have four eyeballs staring at them!

Over Literal vs Phrases

“I can’t hang out with him anymore!” she said.

“Why not?” I asked. I thought things were going great with them. Maybe they were going to be starting a new relationship or something. I mean, that’s what people do, right? They are either getting in, maintaining, getting over, or avoiding relationships. 

“Because he makes my insides do funny things!”

“You mean you have butterflies in your stomach?”

“Ew!” she yelled, appalled. “Gross! I do NOT eat butterflies!”

“No, no… I mean, he… ya know… gets your panties wet.”

She looked at me quizzically. “What would he be doing wearing my underwear?”

“I’ll try again… he makes your head spin!”

“That is just morbid!!”

I gave up.